HOW TO SURVIVE A MESSY BREAK UP

One of the most painful life events is a difficult breakup, it can really, really hurt sometimes, how do you survive that?

Especially if it’s your first time and you don’t know what you need to do in order to recover.

A difficult breakup produces very strong emotions that tend to stick with you for months, sometimes years.

And if you’ve been living in denial although you saw it coming, it’s even harder on you because you persuaded yourself it will never happen.

Can You Relate To That?

Even if the breakup was a ‛mutual decision’ that doesn’t mean it will hurt less. And it certainly doesn’t mean it will hurt less if you’re a guy. It is known that men tend to hide their emotions, but that doesn’t mean they can’t suffer.

The thing is that men can not process emotions right. Some studies even show that difficult breakup can even affect men more. Recovery from a difficult breakup is different for every individual, so there is no real ‛recipe’. However, there are some good advice and tactics to make it less turbulent and even speed up the process.

How to Recover From A Long-Term Relationship Fast?

No matter how hard you try to speed it up, recovering from a difficult breakup is still a process – you can’t just kill or switch off your feelings. The pain will always last more than you think.

You could even have moments when you think it’s over but then you think of your ex or just see something that reminds you of her and your back in pure hell. You need to be patient and you’ll succeed to do that by learning how to accept your grieving.

Most of the men are used to ignoring the fact that they feel hurt. But the key is in letting yourself feel. Suppressing your emotions will just bury them much deeper inside and can affect your mental and physical health, so the best solution is to let it all out.

But that’s not even remotely easy as it sounds because the suppression is like a code written into your mindset. As a man, you’ve been discouraged from showing your emotions since your early childhood.

As a product, at first, you’re going to feel like you’re not yourself, but if you learn how to acknowledge your feelings it will be easier to overcome them.

If you’re wondering how to survive a break up when you’re still in love check out the article below.

Let’s Talk The Break Up

Now that you’ve admitted to yourself that you do need a shoulder to cry on, you need to find it which is not an easy task.  Women have many girlfriends they talk to all the time about emotional stuff, but even if you have a bunch of buddies, they are not used to giving you emotional support, even if they know you’ve been through a difficult breakup.

So you might be asking yourself..how to get through a break up alone?

Good news is you don’t have to. Break ups are a common experience and you should talk it out.

It’s always hard to talk honestly to fellow men because we fear that they’ll think we are soft. The truth is that sometimes we are and we have every right to be. You don’t have to talk to all of your friends, pick one or two and open up to them.

There’s always a chance that they’ll understand you if they also had a difficult breakup and maybe they’ll even be able to give you some good advice. Just be careful if you decide to go to mutual friends as you may find yourself in the middle of a ‛custody’ battle.

Mutual friends tend to pick a side after the difficult breakup and you can get them into a difficult situation if they picked your ex.

Don’t Hurt Back

Many people after the difficult breakup make the mistake of trying to win their ex-girlfriend back. It doesn’t just create a possibility to be dumped twice, but it can also hurt her. In the difficult breakup usually, both sides suffer.

So you might be asking yourself:

How to get over a breakup when you still love each other?

If you try to win her back with some sweet and romantic act it can just remind her how hard it hurts. Have in mind that it was a difficult breakup for her too and that she’s also trying to recover, just like you.

The second reckless thing men tend to do is to win any other women fast, just to drown their sorrow in other arms. This technique is very selfish and extremely cruel to those women.

You know you don’t love her, you know you don’t care, you know it won’t last, but you say all the opposite things to her just to get acceptance. And if she accepts you that means she believes you, that she will develop true feelings for you.

If you do recover from your difficult breakup that way (what might not even happen), you’ll definitely hurt her in the process. it’s completely understandable if you want to feel a woman’s touch on you, to get back into the warm hug and sweet kisses, but don’t give any girl a false hope in order to do that.

Difficult breakup, Difficult Tasks

In other words – stay busy! After the difficult breakup, you may want to sleep all day or just sit and feel sorry for yourself. People tend to create routines in order to function and sometimes a long relationship can be just that.

So, if you go through a difficult breakup you’ll fall out from your routine and that can feel very uncomfortable and unfamiliar. If you feel like there’s nothing you can do, it can easily lead to depression.

You need to avoid falling into depression and in order to do that you must make a strict daily timetable. Now it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies. Everybody has some additional interests we usually don’t have time to pursue.

After a difficult breakup, you’ll have plenty of time. Pick something that was always a passing interest and see where it’ll take you. It’s a good idea to pick something creative and search for inspiration.

Arts & crafts can be a good distraction and they also have the therapeutic effect. If you’re not the artistic type you can always learn a new language, or learn how to play some musical instrument. Invite some friends and go on a trip.

Anything, just to forget about the difficult breakup you’ve just been through. You can also focus on physical activities and start to work out. Besides the fact that physical exercise releases endorphins that make you feel good, it can also channel your anger so you won’t be tempted to do foolish things.

Getting yourself in shape is also going to boost your confidence.  A difficult breakup can make us feel unattractive and some additional muscles can change that. No matter if you decide to take up a hobby or exercise, remember to set your goals high so you’ll need all your energy to reach them. 

Time To Indulge

Women tend to indulge themselves every time they feel bad or down. This is certainly not a characteristic of a male gender, but desperate times cause desperate measures and difficult breakup is certainly one of those times.

Sometimes you can ease the pain simply by indulging some of your hedonistic whims. Try to buy yourself something you always wanted – maybe a bigger TV set or some exclusive drink, maybe a nice cigar?

Or maybe now is the time to finally fix up your car and make it shine? Simply do something to yourself that will make you happy as a little child. But it’s important to consciously acknowledge that you deserve the treat.

This will make you aware that you don’t need somebody else to make you happy, that you’re the person who knows how to make you happiest. When we go through a difficult breakup we tend to forget that, and this ‛shop till you drop’ technique can be a very effective reminder.

Although a difficult breakup can cause much pain and suffering, it can also become a good time for personal growth. You can learn how to truly express your emotions and become able to talk about them openly. Trying to distract yourself you can learn many useful skills and find new interests. If you take your time to reflect, you can set your expectations and goals right for the next relationship and make the difficult breakup the part of your past.

Summary

Breaking up after a long relationship is hard. Remember that most people go through that experience and end up better off on the other end.

Here is an actionable item list for you:

How To Survive a Break Up 101

1. Delete everything to do with them from your phone
2. Burn anything given to you
3. Don’t listen to the songs that remind you of her (yeah you know what songs I’m talking about)
4. Work on yourself – break up are great opportunity for self-improvement

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4 Early Warning Signs The Person You Love Does NOT Love You Back

Are you in a one-way relationship?

The one-way street has been around for years and used to keep traffic flowing in one direction. While they are efficient in a city where traffic and pedestrians co-mingle, the one-way concept doesn't serve the same purpose in relationships.

In a world where communication is more focused on technology rather than face-to-face conversations, the love you have for someone may be like a one-way street; it’s moving but only in one direction. 

How do you know when the person you love doesn't love you back? If you feel like you’re living in a one-way relationship, there are four warning signs which can help determine the direction your relationship is headed.

Here are the 4 signs he doesn't love you back so it's time to move on:

1. He doesn't initiate contact.

Who contacts who? Are you the one reaching for the phone to text or call multiple times a day? Do they respond quickly or is it sometimes several hours or not at all? When you’re in love, initiating contact is natural. You want to talk and share.

Depending on your personal preferences, it may always be more natural for one of you to initiate contact. However, when both parties are actively engaged in the relationship, it will be more equally shared. In a balanced relationship, whether it is a phone call, text, post, or even an email, the communication is moving forward not idle.

2. He doesn't show much affection.

How do they show their love? When you’re in love, you spend time understanding the needs of your partner. Affection is not just about sex, but touch, words, gestures, and even acts of kindness.

Has the way your partner shows affection changed or even become non-existent? If so, why? Is it forced or do you initiate affection hoping for a response? In relationships and life, hope is never a strategy.

3. He's distant.

When together, is it as if they are somewhere else? If so, this is a sign they may, in fact, be wanting to be with someone else or in another place. Individuals often speak about their partners being "more distant than usual".

In a healthy relationship, a partner may be able to determine the reason behind the distant behavior. In an unequally balanced relationship, the reasons may not be so obvious.

Do they listen when you speak? Do you they even talk at all? Do they look bored, uninterested, or even lonely when they are with you?

It could be time to give them some space and see what happens. The distance may increase, and this can be hurtful. However, while harmful, your heart could end up only bruised and not broken.

4. He's not honest with you.

Do you feel that they're no longer honest with you? One of the cornerstones of a sustainable relationship is honesty. The person who loves you will be honest even when it hurts. Some will tell you what you want to hear just to get you to leave them alone. Others are so brutal with their words, so you ask yourself, "Is this love?"

At times, it seems as if there is no middle ground. If honesty has been a substantial part of your relationship and it has changed, there is a problem? 

If you ask questions and they refuse to respond or act defensive, either they are afraid to hurt you, or they simply don’t care. Either way, this is a dangerous place and a time for some serious soul-searching.

A one-way street, at times, can be difficult to navigate. The worse scenario is to find yourself going the wrong direction. The same is true for a one-way relationship. The person wanting it to work will do just about anything, while the other one wants out.

The good news is that it's up to you. Don’t continue down a one-way street with no direction. Do you initiate the contact and affection? Are they distant in their actions and words? Has the honesty been replaced with lies and defensive behaviors? 

If so, stop the madness! Trust yourself. They may have "lost that lovin' feeling", but you have the power to change your direction and ultimately your future. If you let yourself venture out and travel a block or two either direction, and you'll find a two-way street full of happiness and endless opportunities for love!

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Do NOT Get Married Unless You've Learned These 4 Critical Skills

A wedding is for one day. Your marriage is (hopefully) forever.

Before someone gets a driver's license, they take a drivers ed course, practice with the help of an experienced driver, and closely study the rulebook. These are all valuable things to do, because driving without the necessary skills would make someone a menace on the roads, and a danger to themselves and others.

The same thought process applies to getting married, as well. Before getting a marriage license, people must learn how to do the high-skills activity that partnership requires. Otherwise, couples are at risk for intense fighting and launching a marriage that's at risk from the outset. 

Multiple research projects have clearly established that couples who learn marriage skills have the highest odds of enjoying a long-lasting and gratifying partnership. If you're spending time and energy on a wedding, it makes sense to ensure that the marriage that follows will be a successful one. 

Here are the 4 main skill areas you need:

1. Emotional self-regulation.

Young children often get mad, cry, or even hit their siblings. Adults, on the other hand, mostly live their lives in the calm zone.

The good news is that adults who get overly emotional, especially with anger, can learn how to overcome their anger tendencies. If you find that you raise your voice and get mad more than once every several months (or get so mad that you say and do hurtful things), you've got some important learning to do.

2. Communication.

Talking tactfully, especially when the issue is something that distresses you, and listening in a way that sustains cooperation, are essential to any marriage.

Talking in a way that's complaining, critical, or otherwise hurtful will get you in serious marriage trouble. Dismissing what your partner says, negating what you hear with "but", or ignoring instead of digesting what you hear, is sure to cause extreme marital woes.

3. Conflict resolution.

All couples have differences.

Successful couples know how to start with a "his way" and a "her way" and end up with an "our way" that they both feel good about. That's true whether the issue is a simple one, like what movie to see on Saturday night, or big issues like where to live, how to handle money, and how to keep your sex life passionate.

4. Positivity.

Every time you share a smile, laugh at your partner's jokes, agree with a comment your partner said, express appreciation, thank your partner for something or express affection, you are offering "dollops" of positivity. The more dollops you give, the happier you both will be.

The moral of the story? Be prepared. Remember that a wedding is for one day. Marriage, hopefully, is forever.

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If The Guy You Love Does These 27 Things, You Found A GOOD Man

As told by very honest women.

When I was younger, and we're talking pre-puberty here, I didn't really have a solid grasp of what a good boyfriend should be.

Of course, that makes sense, given that most of my ideas about what makes for a healthy relationship came from the fictional books I read, along with the fictional movies and television shows I watched. If you asked little Becca what it means for a guy to be a good boyfriend, she would've said something along the lines of "moody and dramatic" or "funny and maybe homeless."

You see, I was into the male version of the manic pixie dream girl before the manic pixie dream girl was even a thing, yo. 

via GIPHY

Nowadays, my idea of what makes someone a good boyfriend has changed, and thank God for that.

Sure, I'll jokingly say stuff like, "He can't be an actor. Or a stand-up comedian. Or in finance."

But the truth of the matter is that as long as my boyfriend is a guy who has a funny, kind mind, who is slow to anger and prone to introspection, and who loves sex, we'll probably be just fine.

I am, however, fully aware of the fact that what sounds like a good boyfriend to me might sound like an absolute nightmare to someone else.

To that end, I asked several women I know to fill in the blank in the following statement:

"A good boyfriend is _________________________."

Here's what 27 ladies each had to say about what women want in a man! 

1. “Attentive, kind, patient.”

2. "Patient, goofy, and above all else there for you."

3. "Willing to actually admit that he is your boyfriend!"

via GIPHY

4. "Smart and so not a pushover!"

5. "Being handsome is good, but being kind is even better."

6. "Seriously good with people."

7. "Puts family above everything else."

8. "Has a relationship with God that he takes seriously."

9. “Compassionate. Present. Emotionally available.”

10. "Someone who doesn't just accept my kinks but love me all the more for them!"

11. “One who will carry you to the car and drive you to the ER.”

via GIPHY

12. “One who laughs at my jokes.”

13. “One who causes you to make better life choices.”

14. “Always willing to give you the last slice of pizza.”

15. “Someone who makes you smile and laugh every day (and obviously is also loyal, loving, caring, honest, trustworthy, and faithful!).”

16. “Hard to find.”

17. “One who, when he learns that your dad has cancer and that you have to go visit him in a hospital far away, says that he will absolutely go with you, no questions asked, even though you haven't been dating long, just because you need the company.”

18. “Loving and positively challenging in productive ways.”

19. “Considerate.”

20. “One who just fits in your life.”

21. “Empowering for you.”

22. “Someone who listens to you.”

via GIPHY

23. “A woman.”

24. “Someone who genuinely likes you as a person, and at the same time, lusts after you.”

25. “Empowering for you.”

26. "Seen not heard."

27. "Funny as heck."

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:15 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr

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Checkout The 3 Things You Should NEVER Say To Your Man/Woman

What makes a relationship great is not perfection, or an endless bliss, it is being with someone you accept with all their issues, baggages and the special benefits that comes with a relationship; you enjoy all the good moments and find a way to deal with difficult situation.

You will accept your partner the way he/she is, never compare him/her to someone else and always wish every one could be like them and when there are difficulties in your relationship, you will know the best way to handle it and never talk down on you partner.

“As a man you need to know that there are better ways to talk to your woman, better ways to express your desires”.

Below are 3 things you should never tell your woman.

It’s either me or XYZ: “A man who knows his place and recognises his importance would never have to make you pick between himself and your job, or your friends and at the same time, a wise woman would never push her man to the position where this will be his last resort”.

My ex did this differently: “Even if there’s something about your ex that you absolutely love, a particular way she did something that impressed you all the time, you can’t afford to express this to your new girl as you will be putting her in direct comparison with your ex, and letting her know that she came up short and no woman likes that, she won’t take that lightly with you so it is better to pass that message across more subtly and more codedly than this”.

Be more like XYZ: “If you love her, your criticisms are constructive and they will be about her, not about others because when you love a woman, you will wish everyone else were more like her”.

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3 Things Everyone Should Always Say NO To In A Relationship

No matter the level of love you have for a man or what people say there are some things no one should ever tolerate in a relationship because some things can never change and you should not confuse your partner being in love with you and being obsessed with you.

Most people often confuse everything and then they either end up suffering their selves or their partners. Below are things you need to draw lines to or things you need to say a big NO to in any relationship.

Cheat!ng: “Cheat!ng can never be a mistake, though, a one time thing can be a mistake some times, Cheat!ng is like the mother of all the problems that can ensue in a relationship, someone who cheats ones has the potential of doing it all over again and the second time, they will be better at hiding their tracks so take Cheat!ng seriously because the simple act of Cheat!ng speaks volume about your relationship and a person who cheats does not respect the honesty of your relationship or obviously wants more out of it so desperately that they would go ahead and find other ways to get it and secondly, once your trust breaks, it does not recover completely, it will leave you in torturing position making you doubt your partner unconsciously”.

Abuse: “No one deserves to be tortured or pushed around in any way, there are different kinds of abusive relationships and none is worth putting up with, many people think that their abusive partner will get better with time, the truth is nothing gets better it only becomes worse so whether they are verbally or physically abusing you, whether they are telling you to leave your friends and family for them and constantly belittling you, you should draw the line because before you know it they will start hitting you don’t put your health or safety in jeopardy for the sake of love”.

Partner who blames you for anything that goes wrong in their life: “At times people always have a hard time accepting their shortcomings, they constantly need someone to take their blame for them, you don’t have to feel otherwise because what happens in their life is as a consequences of their choices, though, they feel that everything they do is perfect only you could make mistakes and every time something bad happened in his life, you are to be blame for it”.

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5 Things That Are Hurting Your Partner And Killing Your Relationship

Relationship with passionate affection

Relationships aren’t supposed to be selfish, while considering yourself it is important and only fair that you take a step back and also consider your partner – consider how you might be hurting your partner and things you might be doing to turn your partner off. Jumia Travel shares 5 things you do that hurt your partner and kill your relationship in the process.

Living Outside What the Two of You Can Afford

It is important to live within what the two of you can afford. Once you’ve decided to be in a relationship with someone, you have to learn to respect what the person is earning per time and adjust your expenses to align with it. Avoid belittling and insulting your partner for the inability to meet your expenses, rather learn to love and appreciate while adjusting your expenses to align, or work hard, alongside your partner, to increase earnings to be able to accommodate these expenses.

Constant Negativity
In relationships, you should learn to choose your battles. Even if your partner is doing something wrong, it’s not every wrong thing that you comment on, complain about or intend to change. Choose your battles. There are somethings you should just let go off completely or let go off in the mean-time to address later. You have to be wise about it. Negativity is draining and constant complaints are irritating, therefore it is important to learn to encourage, celebrate and appreciate your partner more.

Putting Everything Else First

Everyone likes to feel special and when in a relationship, it should be a priority to make your partner feel special as often and as much as you can. Your partner should always be your first priority. Even if you have to deal with something else before your partner, be courteous and let your partner know either before or after you’ve taken care of whatever it is. Remember, no one likes to feel unimportant, including you.

Forcing Your Partner to Conform To Your Ideals

Remember, your partner is not your doppelganger. As much as you two might have a lot in common, you can’t have everything in common. Therefore, there are certain things you will allow your partner do or believe out of respect for who they are, to make them feel comfortable and to make them feel loved. It might not make you feel comfortable at all, but if it matters to them or they are unable to change it (no matter how hard they have tried), you don’t force them, you learn to accept and accommodate them that way.

Being Unkind

Be kind to your partner in your words, in your thoughts, in your actions and in your deeds. Be kind. Always ask yourself before you do or say something to your partner, ‘Is this kind?’, ‘Can he or she bear this without falling apart?’. Kindness is simply the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate. Remember to be kind.

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5 Surest Places You Can Find True Love

Where and How to find true Love in Nigeria

Are you looking for true love? Chances are you have been searching in the wrong place all these while. “Finding true love is one of the main goals in many people’s lives, but sadly not everyone succeeds, the reasons are as many as there are people on the planet and LOVE, being such an abstract thing, means that many give up and settle for the available partner rather than their perfect match, there are many places out there where your significant other might be waiting for you it’s just a matter of keeping your eyes open to the opportunities and being ready to take risks”.

Below are the top 5 surest ways to find true love now as shared by relationship expert Uwanma Odefa.

Social gatherings: “Places like church, mosques, schools, campuses etc, being around other people provides yo with a wide variety of opportunity and chances are pretty high that you’d meet the love of your life at one of these gatherings”.

In the DM: “Since many people spend a great deal of time on social media daily, it’s logical that romantic moves would be made on these platforms”.

Dating sites: “Don’t be quick to turn up your noses on this one because it doesn’t mean one is desperate and you will find the experiences quite nice”.

At work: “While there are always reservations about this, it is actually not a terrible thing and when you actually consider the fact that many people with jobs spend close to 10 hours daily at it, talking, relating, conversing and being in close quarters with their colleagues, you’ll understand why there is a strong possibility that people will fall in love with each other at their workplace”.

Doing what you love doing best: “If you are the type that loves running, visiting the gym, reading, volunteering for charitable causes and other similar stuff, you also stand a good chance of meeting someone who would think the world of you and ask you to come be part of his or her life”.

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9 Surprising Physical Traits Men Subconsciously Look For In A Woman

If you ask a guy what he finds attractive in a woman, the answer will probably be something between ‘nice butt’ and ‘pretty face’. Although not many are so direct, most of them still believe that all these things are among the most important in a girl. It will come as a huge surprise to both men and women that things work differently on a subconscious level. While all the above-mentioned traits do draw guys to certain types of women, there’s a bunch of other characteristics that play a much more important role. Subconsciously, guys are all about childbearing abilities! Yes, you heard that right. The study at the University of Newcastle in England also revealed that such traits as kindness and agreeability play an important role as well because back in the day women were relied upon in forming various social alliances. So, here are 10 surprising physical traits guys look for in women.

High – pitched voices
It may shock many women that guys find high-pitched voices more attractive than deep husky ones. It happens so because high-pitched voices are associated with youth and high energy levels and are generally perceived as more feminine. Studies support that idea! It’s different for women who usually like men with deeper voices, which suggest bigger bodies and more strength.

Smile
Not only does smiling improve your mood, it also makes you look good. Men find smiling incredibly attractive on a subconscious level and are drawn to women who are not afraid to show that they are friendly and approachable. Smiling also indicates friendliness and agreeability, which is also attractive to men according to studies.


Less makeup
Makeup gurus will be sad to hear this one. It appears that guys find makeup-less ladies much more attractive than those who are clad in makeup armor. A study from the Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology revealed that both men and women find faces with less makeup more attractive. Women shouldn’t focus on makeup so much – they can let their true beauty shine as it is!

Huge eyes
Girls with big eyes apparently look more feminine and gentle than the rest of them women. Bigger eyes are also linked to longevity, health and reproductive potential. How, you might wonder? Bigger eyes signal of higher estrogen levels, which means that it’s easier for such women to conceive than for those with lower estrogen levels.

Symmetry
Symmetrical faces may not be very common, but guys find them more appealing than others. It has to do with beauty and good genes. And the better genes women have, the healthier babies they will have. It works as simple as that! Lopsidedness is associated with bad genes and poor health, which is not so attractive for men.


It’s not about the butts
We all know that guys prefer big butts, but what we don’t know is that it’s not big fat bottoms they find so attractive, but butts created by spinal curve instead of fat. Turkey’s Bilkent University has conducted an experiment during which men had to select from women with different spine curvature. It turned out that the most attractive females were those with a curvature of 45.5 degrees, which did make their butts appear bigger. Guys who think they like big bottoms may actually be into spines!

Average looks
It turns out that guys find ‘average-looking’ girls more attractive than the super gorgeous ones. Why that happens? The answer lies in evolutionary biology. Scientists have determined that average-looking women have a more diverse set of genes, which is a good thing when it comes to reproduction. Men feel this on a subconscious level and get drawn to average looks.

Scent
We’ve all heard about pheromones, but what we don’t know is how much they affect our choice of partner. Men basically ‘sniff out’ the most genetically compatible mate that can give them healthy babies. Apparently, pheromones give out all kind of information about us, including the state of out immune system and the fertility levels.


Red color
Not only animals use color red as a marker for mating – it appears humans do too! Guys are biologically wired to react to red color in a specific way, so if women want to draw guys’ attention, they should just wear red dresses (or lipstick, or shoes). Studies show that most men have no idea about this effect and that color red doesn’t affect women as it does men.

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